Questions for My Father

Now that I know something about my birth mother, I am eager to find out about my biological father.

I grew up thinking I was German on my adoptive father’s side and Polish on my mother’s side. Cousins tell me I definitely look like I could be a biological relative.

My mother had dark eyes and black hair and may have been part Native American. I have blue eyes, naturally dark brown hair and fair skin. Maybe I look more like my father than my mother.

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Courtesy of Flickr/Enigma Photos

I am curious about the man who gave me my DNA. Is he still alive? What did he do for a living? What kind of man is he? How did he and my mother meet? Did he know my mother was pregnant with me? Was he aware of the adoption? Did he have other children? If so, that means I have siblings.

Tracking down bio dad could be like searching for a needle in a haystack. I’m not sure how to look for this guy. My mother is deceased so I can’t ask her. The people I’ve talked to about my mother don’t have any good leads on who my father could be.

While I’m filled with questions for this man, I am also a bit wary about finding him, assuming he’s still alive.  I did a Google search on “how to track down your biological father.” High up in the search results was a New York Times  article about a writer who found her birth parents. The headline – “I Found My Biological Parents, And Wish I Hadn’t” – reminds me of the risk involved in this kind of pursuit. In the article, the writer discusses the very strange first meeting she had with her dad.  When they said good-bye, he asked his 37-year-old daughter if she wanted him to take her to Disneyland. That was the last time the writer saw her father.

That article reminded me of “Flirting With Disaster,” the 1996 comedy starring Ben Stiller as a man on a mission to find his birth parents. He finds them and the results are hilarious.

For me, nothing could be more serious than searching for birth parents. Only Hollywood could make a funny story out of it. (By the way, I recommend “Flirting With Disaster,” if you haven’t seen it already.)

Have any of you found your birth fathers? How did you find them and what was the reunion like?

8 thoughts on “Questions for My Father

  1. I’m an adoptive parent who has just been matched and chosen by a birthmother and we’ve chosen open adoption. I hope she stays in our lives for years to come and is able to answer all the questions the child might have.

    I hate that there are so many questions left unsaid. And you’re right about Hollywood putting a funny spin on it but the reality is there’s a 50/50 shot either way of how it’ll go and what it would feel like.

    I hope you find the answers you’re looking for.

  2. It still is not so perfect a solution. Best one I heard was where the woman was taken in educated an her baby looked after while she got her life put together. Guess who get to be the grandparents.

  3. As for finding my birth father, that won’t happen for me. Well, I know where he is.He was killed in a car wreck when he was 23 years old (I was less than 2 at the time).

    However, I DID meet my birth mother. I was 18 and had what Id call a perfect reunion. Over 20 years has passed since that reunion, and we have had out ups and downs. She lead a troubled life and tho she had 4 kids, in the end she didnt raise any of us.

    Ive had to search for her once again over the years as she lost contact, but she was thrilled to hear from me again.

    We have visited back and forth several times (she is across the country). She is Grandma to my kids. I had to learn that she may not be what I fantasized about as a teen, but she is who she is and I love her, for who she is.

    I have also found my 3 siblings and have a good relationship with them. My dream is to have us all together in the same room one day. That has never happened….Maybe one day.

  4. I’ve read horror stories about mothers rejecting the children they gave up for adoption. You are fortunate to have had a happy reunion with your birth mom. You’re also lucky to have a good relationship with your siblings.

  5. My father was found for me. In 1997, at 26, I reunited with my mother. Days later she contacted my father without telling me. I’d never even asked about him. My adoptive mother had told me when I was about six that he had run away. So I was angry and had little interest. I discovered, however, that he never knew I existed until that phone call in 1997. Not quite the “he ran away” scenario I’d believed for 20 years.

    My parents, neither of whom had married or had (other) children, got back together. The whole thing was a bit of a mess, and for many reasons I broke off contact in 2000.

    This past July my father contacted me. We’ve been working very hard on our relationship. He bends over backwards accommodating my adoption stuff (providing medical history, reading adoption articles I send him). Our personalities are identical — no one has ever understood me like he does. We talk on the phone every day. It’s the first authentic relationship I’ve ever had.

    My apologies for the essay. I suppose my point is, it’s healthy to understand the risks, but sometimes things can turn out like you would have never imagined. Do you know your father’s name to search?

    (I also loved “Flirting With Disaster”.)

  6. I love your story, Jill. How great that you established a good relationship with your father. I have no information at all about my dad so I don’t know if I’ll ever know his identity or anything about him. Thanks for reading my blog!

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